Like A Geyser

I have been doing a type of alternative psychotherapy called “groundwork” that is loosely based in notions of figure-ground theory of Gestalt therapy and Jungian analysis. I’ve been doing it for awhile now, and am becoming quite fond of my sessions.

Even though I hate going. Really, every time I have an appointment I think of all the things I could be doing instead. But I go, and every time I do, I leave feeling a little closer to understanding myself. A little wiser about the choices I am making. A little more aware of my unseen motives and my shadow self. Usually a little distraught.

Today, riding my bike down bloor to get to my appointment- not only did I get a flat tire, but also, one of my bike pedals fell off!

This tells me a few things:

A bike is an object that helps someone on a journey. It takes someone to their destination. But it operates on pressure. It operates on physical effort and manual energy, the body using force and muscle to create friction that moves you.

I’ve been having pretty serious conversations with The Philosopher, about commitment and relationship. It’s created alot of pressure. I’ve been thinking long and hard, communicating extensively, trying, grasping, relinquishing, acquiescing, taking, rebelling, and reassessing.

We’re at a defining point, and in many ways in spite of his efforts, honesty, and willingness, I am unsure and still feeling pressured. The pressure build up is causing a breaking point. A pedal falling off. A tire going flat.

The bike is in the shop now, getting fixed. I canceled some interesting plans I had tonight to do the same. Get fixed. Get grounded. Tend to my broken parts. Tomorrow feels like a big day to me, a day of discussion and learning, defining and negotiating. I am not sure I am up for all this.

I’m glad I cancelled my evening plans tonight. I did alot of catching up on work, resting, knitting, thinking. At the end of the evening I shared a few drinks with my dear friend, colleague, and boss. Chatting, philosophizing, and laughing.

Ultimately, I feel pretty clear that what I need most in my life is freedom right now. Also, I need to honour that it is is hard when there is an illusion of a stable and wonderful garden path inviting me in to rest my weary bones and just be. This path feels appealing, and to some extent it feels like a golden ticket that is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

I partly feel that there aren’t other men who would desire commitment with a 28 year old divorcee with two kids, and I’d be stupid and immature to pass up a really incredible thing here with someone whom I clearly have strong feelings towards. But I need to remind myself. This is not what I need right now. This is not what I want right now. My friend gave me some good advice. He reminded me that I just have to trust that if I am free and honest and empowered and I go for what I want- My life will respond and welcome me.

I made a spiritual promise to embrace groundelessness and a practice of non-attachment when I decided to leave marriage, and in spite of the tempting opportunity to get some seemingly solid ground under my feet now, I need to honour my deeper needs for freedom I think.

This living, loving and dating. It’s all confusing, and sometimes I feel it is distracting from my deeper purpose. Although, it probably is all interwoven and very connected in ways I just don’t understand yet.

So that is where I am sitting now. Thoughtfully, in resting position. Knowing I am making mistakes left right and center, trying hard to be real and to not hurt anyone including myslef, and feeling more alive, scared, and exhilarated then I ever have in my entire life.
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Now playing: Bombay Dub Orchestra – Feel (Thievery Corporation Remix)
via FoxyTunes