Will

I am leaving to go visit Will in Portland, Oregon for a whole week in just 9 days! This is beyond exciting for me.

I met Will last May in Gabriola Island, BC, at a conference, and we have been extremely close ever since. The significance we’ve played in one anothers’ lives is vast and kind of amazing when I really think about it. We’ve both changed and evolved in so many ways since we first met, and we’ve seen one another through a hell of a lot already in just the year we’ve been close.

There is a part in The Picture of Dorian Gray that relates quite well to my experience of meeting Will.

“A curious sense of terror came over me. I knew that I had come face to face with some one whose mere personality was so fascinating that, if I allowed it to do so, it would absorb my whole nature, my whole soul, my very art itself. I did not want any external influence in my life.”

My life turned upside after meeting him. It was like he took my personhood and electrified it, and I couldn’t go back to who I was before meeting him.

I remember taking him to see my new apartment in Toronto before I had any furniture in it even, and I wanted it to be this beautiful moment representing my new life, and movement forward, and instead I started crying. We had no food, no furniture, only this little empty apartment. We stayed in my place the night and he didn’t make me explain why I was crying. Just stayed with me into the night. Holding me and without using words at all, assuring me everything would be ok.

We have this blessed thing with one another. Partly I think the nature of us being long distance makes our relationship have a certain depth. We are so involved with one another, yet so totally not within the realm of the ordinary. This lends itself really well to supporting one another, inspiring one another, and loving one another. We often have these mystical moments that are quite bizarre together. For example, we were talking on video cam, and I asked him to pull a tarot card out of his deck that would represent me in his life- he pulled the Ace of Wands. I said, “now pull one that represents you” and he pulled the Kind of Swords.

Ace of Wands
King of Swords

So strange. There are 72 cards in the deck, and that’s what we pulled.

He tells me about his life (including women or men he is dating) and I tell him about mine. We’ve ironed out kinks of jealousy by now (no easy feat), and he is just such a total gift to my life.

It’s a treat to go to his home, spend a week with him there, do domestic things together, and be in real life together. Every other time we’ve seen one another it has been work related, or we’ve been traveling, or we’ve been on a quick getaway for a short weekend. This trip is different.

It’s just us. No international organizing meetings. No coordinating committes to navigate. No distractions. No mental health work stuff.

We have work to do together when we see one another, but the work is for our business together. This trip is all about us.

Will was the one who urged me to start dating, and helped me figure that all out. He still helps me figure all that out. Sometimes I am blown away by how bizarre this all is, but to me- it feels totally natural and right.

I’ve worked things out with The Philosopher. Amazingly. He understands my position and is accepting of it. He gets my connection to Will. He gets my need for freedom to be with other people as well. He just needed to go through a process to get to a place where it made sense for him, and he could be in this in a way that makes sense to him.

The Musician as well, knows where I stand in relation to all of this, and is cool with it.

I feel incredibly lucky to have these people in my life.

—————-
Now playing: Lisa Germano – The Dresses Song
via FoxyTunes

Comments were off on this post, but I got an email from Erin that I want to remember, so I’m putting it here (thanks erin):

hi krista,

just wanted to drop you a quick note that I’m so happy for you that you are working through issues with the philosopher, musician, will, all the while maintaining respect for your ex-husband and yourself. I am amazed at how you have navigated and continue to navigate the pressures of really loving someone and wanting to be committed and honest with them, without denying your true self and your needs that you are discovering. Kudos to you, and your lovely men, who are working with you on this. It’s really amazing, and I love these posts when it’s clear that you are happy and becoming fulfilled through your hard work. Sometimes it must seem like it’s all work, and maybe not worth it and maybe you should just succumb to easier, more accepted paths? But then I read this and I am thrilled that you are getting positive reinforcement for your work, in the form of joy and connection to others.

have a blast in portland. enjoy!

-erin