Went to a class at the Downward Dog tonight. Finally broke the emotional distance I was having with the yoga. Felt tingles and shivers through my energy body at the ending chant of “om shanti shanti”

Sitting in half lotus, I could feel the sweat dripping down my face. Sweat. Tears. It’s all detox.

It was an ashtanga prep class, which is much more of a beginner class than I am used to taking. I find this teacher (Dave) is so good though, that no matter how novice or advanced the poses, I am challenged and consistently reminded to breathe in flow, to lengthen my spine, to keep my alignment, and to stay close to my edge. I hope when I become a yoga teacher, I master this skill of inspiring my students into really feeling that all poses matter, and are challenging if we take the time to really do them right. With breath. With focus. Because really, the simplest of poses are deeply challenging, when you pay attention, and focus deeply on your body, and it’s form.

During shavasana, he reminded us to relax our jaws. I have commented before that I find that reminder helpful, but I am always so surprised at how tense my jaw can be. Even in meditation.

How is your jaw right now? Relax it. Ahhh, much better.

I’ve been trying to master the jump through in ashtanga yoga. This is a great short youtube clip of what it looks like:

I’m not quite there yet, and I find that teachers don’t really teach how to do this. Magically, some people in the class I attend breeze their bodies through, gracefully and with strength. I am always curious how they learned, because truly, it never seems to get taught.

I stayed behind in the last class I went to, and asked if the teacher Johnny could break it down for me in little steps. He was very helpful, and I now have more tools with which to practice this. Here is what he did that was helpful:

1) Instructed that I maintain my drishdi (gaze) to where I want me feet to go

2) He stood behind me when I was in downward dog, and asked me to throw my hips to him. Aside from it feeling a little, er- physically evocative- it was also helpful because it made me realize just how much energy I need to place into the push coming from my legs. I was not throwing my hips nearly that high in the air before, and naturally doing so creates more momentum, which makes the sailing through easier.

3) Gave me blocks to rest my hand on in downward dog, so that I could actually be successful at a jumpthough to a) give me hope and b) give me a sense of what it actually feels like to get through.

4) He emphazised what he calls the “no matter what” which is to say that NO MATTER WHAT you pull your damn legs through to the other side, even if your dragging them, and the jump through didn’t quite make it.

I liked that. Made me think of the Bradbury quote,

“you’ve got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down”

At the beginning of every Ashtanga class, we sing this chant. There is something so centering about it. I told a friend that I get shivers every time, and he commented that it is because I was probably a high priestess in a past life or something.

That thought always makes me smile. Kind of makes me want to tap into that past life somehow, and gather up all the strength that could have resided in it.
I have noticed a laack of emotional depth in my practice since I have moved to Toronto. I haven’t quite firgured out why, but nevertheless- I am grateful for this chanting at the beginning of classes, because it helps me at least, come forward to that place of being totally in it.

I looked up the meaning. Here’s what I found.

“For the peaceful resolution of the deluding poison of cyclic existence, I bow at the lotus feet of the Gurus, and beholed the awakened joy of my own Soul; it is the ultimate cause of bliss that acts like a shaman, a true source of spiritual healing.“

I have a real problem with the notion of bowing at the lotus feet of the Gurus. There is something in that that sharpens my inherent distaste for hierarchy. Especially hierarchy in spiritual matters.

But it’s still pretty. And it still gives me shivers.

I’m seeing the light at the end of the long depression tunnel. After a month of what a friend of mine called “boycotting” yoga, I am finally back to practicing regularly again. Special thanks to WoYoPracMo (World Yoga Practice Month) for the community, support, and inspiration. 

December 30th Downward Dog Yoga Studio. Ashtanga Level 2 class. 

Now that I have moved I have to find new studios to host my practice. This night, I went to the It felt amazing to be doing yoga again, to be in a class, and to share in the om shanti shanti shanti at the end of the class. I am learning that I am very particular with what kinds of yoga teachers I find most helpful. Personally, I dislike when teachers treat the class like a purely physical experience, and focus all energies on that aspect. I found the teacher in this class lacking in passion, and enthusiasm for the yoga. One thing that was helpful however, was the reminder to lower my shoulders from my ears in various poses.I also noticed that it was harder to find my zen in a new studio. I was distracted by the (beautiful, and very Buddhist) decor, and the new faces.

Friday January 4th: 7:30pm class. Ashtanga Level 2 Downward Dog Yoga Studio.

I learned that Tandasana is also called Samasthiti. I had never heard it called Samasthiti before. And the teacher explained that the word Samasthiti means “equal standing”. Also we used blocks alot and did some movements from the primary series- which are new new me. Blocks usually irritate me, because I think you shouldnt need props or something- but this time they were useful, and I saw them as a tool. Also we spent the first part of the class in the mountain pose (or samasthiti or tandasana). I love when teachers take a simple pose and break it down- reminding you to have every part of your body active, and taking the parts of your body, and the muslces in your body one by one. (cross posted from my woyopracmo page)

Sunday January 6th- Moksha Yoga Studio (Richmond Hill) 4pm. Ashtanga Level 1.

I am amazed at the capacity for my body to slip back into yoga like it never left. I was disappointed because I thought my favourite teacher Dave was teaching the class, but he was sick. The replacement teacher was also good, but again I didn’t find he incorporated anything other than the physical into the experience of his class. This is lacking in many classes, and I have come to really appreciate teachers who take it a level deeper. An interesting thing happened at the end of the class when the teacher encouraged us to do any inversion that pleases us. I asked him (in a whisper as he walked by) if a headstand is an inversion- and he replied something like, “Well, actually I’d prefer you don’t because other people will copy you and then it will be like dominoes in here.” I thought that was an interesting approach as a teacher- to prevent a student from following her body and doing what she felt was needed, as a protection against the class becoming unruly. I find it frustrating that the yoga classes I go to never seem to spend any time on headstands. I am trying to get to a forearm stand, and further a hand stand- and practicing in the studio, when my body is hot and ready would be very helpful. 

 It isn’t that I am not challenged in the classes I go to- I am- but I wish more time was spent on learning more challenging poses and from the some of the six ashtanga series.  I guess I will have to resort to a book or video.Any recommendations anyone?   

At the end of class tonight in shavasana, we took 5 breaths together. Deep inhales, and loud exhales pushing all the air out of our lungs fast and hard.

Then we inhaled as much air as we possibly could- more air, even more air, again even more air- and then were instructed to HOLD IT.

Naturally the inclination is to let it all out. Let it out like a balloon being released and fluttering all around the room- or let it out like you’ve eaten too much and want to undo your pant buttons and let it all hang out in relaxation.

But I followed instruction and held the air- In my throat, in my chest, in my toes, in my sacrum- in all of my body I held the air.

Finally the teacher said, “now you can release it- but wait!- release it s-l-o-w-l-y, even slower than you want to- release it deliberately, patiently… And feel your body sinking as you do it”

Well- did my body ever sink! It was like I was in an elevator traveling down to the minus 100th floor.

I could feel beads of sweat traveling down my face slowly, and thoughts came and went, but the sinking feeling lingered with me for the duration of the meditation and it was amazing.

The last time I did yoga I posted about it here. September 5th.

The past six weeks have been unhealthy ones for me. I know not practicing played a major role in that. I know that if I had been I practicing, I would have handled quite a few obstacles that were thrown my way quite differently.

A fellow yoga friend of mine flippantly and almost frustratingly barked at me that “yoga isn’t about flat abs” and to “maybe it’s also about having some compassion for yourself for the times you aren’t doing it.”

And yes, I have compassion for myself. And yes, I can come up with a series of very valuable excuses as to why I hadn’t gone to the studio- but I can’t really come up with a single good excuse why I didn’t practice at home or when traveling.

I am angry at myself for letting this happen. For letting myself slip so deeply into unwellness and bad habits.

Going to yoga with my teacher Dave tonight was like coming home. It welcomed me back, and was forgiving of my absence.

I learned that I haven’t been leaning forward in chutarunga (push up pose) and that when you lean forward it is WAY harder.

And I was gently reminded that the focus in pose is often inadvertently inequitably focused. I learned that the focus on the depth of a twist is equally important to the concentration on my flexed foot. Each and every part of the body engaged and aware.

Lastly, I enjoyed the tidbit of wisdom shared that doing yoga in this mindful way creates a body intelligence. It allows you to read chapters of your body, and everytime you read one chapter, there is another one just waiting to be read. There are an infinite number of chapters to the body.

And so, in the interest of having compassion for myself in my practice, I forgive myself for reading the chapter of neglecting my yoga and my body and instead smoking cigarrettes, too much Crown Royal, not enough water, and way too many cookies for dinner.

I am excited and committed to reading the next chapter of my body intelligence, and await with respect and wonder as to what the turning pages will reveal.

Dear Yoga,

I have been so busy that I haven’t had time to be with you at all. It isn’t fair I know. All I’ve been able to muster is a headstand here, and downward dog there- nothing like the intimacy we had been experiencing for the past month or so. I am trying very hard not to leave you for Career, for Photography, for the new Web Design company I am building.

Being polyamorous is challenging at times, what can I say?

It’s true I’ve been neglecting you, but know you are with me always. When I was out for dinner at the conference, at a round table of 12 international people who are very influential in terms of having decision making power, you comforted me. That situation would have previously intimidated me, and rendered me quiet and sinking into my chair. Your presence in my life allowed me to sit tall and proud in who I am. Posture of a woman in her strength. For that I say thanks.

So, uh- just know- even when I am not practicing everyday- you are always so deeply in my heart and in the very fabric that shapes me.

And, tonight when we met again for the first time after a whole week of being apart, it was fucking magic wasn’t it? My body is finally humming and happy again. Even seeing Dave, our instructor was great.

He’s always saying things that make the corners of my lips elevate.
Tonights pearl of wisdom?

The breath is the most repeated thing you do in your life. Do it consciously and with thought.

The class came and went so quickly that I felt as though as soon as I arrived it was over.

I needed the class today. I was emotionally volatile all day long and in class letting my mind go soft while getting my body strong stopped all the emotional chatter.

I was feeling the different parts of my body in the poses and making mental maps of the soft spots, the flexible spots, and the places that need more attention.

Again the beat of the drum pulled me deeper. I love that drum.

Ashtanga to the beat of the drum, repetive and strong- magic. The heat in the room enveloping me completely. The beat, the beat, the beat.

No melody, but beat, beat, beat.

Fast, sweaty and breathless, then stop: Notice, and correct- Deeper slower exhales that travel way further out than I thought possible.

Alignment feeling pure and right- easy, then even better- by the hands of the teacher guiding- Epiphany! My edge comes back with the most subtle shift of the hip.

Shifting from the form of the body to mind of formlessness.

Music stops.

I love how this teacher describes and emphasizes that every movement in life is a yoga movement if you let it be so. I find myself driving home with the vertebrae of my spine stacked like a totem on sacred space, so tall and self-assured that my head hits the ceiling of the car.

At the very end of the class, after a guided meditation the teacher said, “If there is anyone you would like to send your practice out to today, take a minute and do that now.”

I loved that.

In Buddhist meditation, often we are called to take all the joy and peace that we feel and try to radiate it out to others. We breathe in the pain and suffering of others, and we try to breathe out whatever peace and joy we have cultivated in ourselves.

At this point, I always think of my yoga practice as the thing that brings me peace and joy, and it is usually what I use to breathe out- wishing that others too, can have the same feelings of bliss that I get from my practice in their own lives.

I always feel a little funny doing this- like a secret missionary mentally trying to get the world to do yoga- and truly that isn’t my intent, but I can’t help but giggle a little.

So today, when the teacher suggested we take a moment and send our practice out to someone, I smiled to myself- and warmly sent it out to someone whom I love and admire very much.

(Monday 8pm Moksha Yoga Class)