I guess I have been resting.
When I broke up with Pete, I slept in all my free time. I’m still sort of doing that. Given my propensity for slipping into the depths of my personal deep dark woods in ways that are not entirely helpful, I made an appointment with my therapist. I am trying to learn to allow my deeper self to rearrange my life without it causing me so much pain. I was like, “What Now? Len!!! What do I do now? I don’t want to rampantly date, I don’t want to settle down, This and that and this and that and what the hell is next for me?”
He told me I needed rest. He told me to quit strategizing my life and just rest already. The past two years have been busy with lots of sensational and wild experiences. Just rest.
So I am. I am resting and just sort of following my souls guidance. The way I see it is that I am recovering from a sort of whiplash.
He was disappointed it didn’t work out between Pete and I. Most people in my life were I think. (With the exception of a few of my coworkers who like to live vicariously though me and my misadventures and are looking forward to me being single again). Pete was a really good man. However, he told me that the way I handled it was inspirational and gave me a “Bravo!” for keeping true to myself, setting boundaries, communicating what I need, and being utterly honesty. I’ve been seeing him for a few years now, sometimes he gives me professional clinical supervision for my work with my own clients, and sometimes he helps me with my own stuff, but always, almost every session he tells me I remind him of some writer, or artist, or musician. I greedily gobble up these extensions of beauty and always check into whomever he mentions. This time he told me my intense emotional experience of being in the world reminds him of the writing of Richard Brautigan. (Who by the way chose to end his life…figures). I did some poking around to see what Richard’s writing was like and I came across this quote:
“I will be very careful the next time I fall in love, she told herself. Also, she had made a promise to herself that she intended on keeping. She was never going to go out with another writer: no matter how charming, sensitive, inventive or fun they could be. They weren’t worth it in the long run. They were emotionally too expensive and the upkeep was complicated. They were like having a vacuum cleaner around the house that broke all the time and only Einstein could fix it. She wanted her next lover to be a broom.”
— Richard Brautigan
The funny thing about it is that my ex husband is a writer, and in spite of my grand claims in my last post not to meet new men, I am e-courting a few right now (yeah… I dunno), and of course the most interesting of them all, a writer. If you frame things in terms of vaccuum cleaners and brooms, Pete was definitely a broom. Rock solid that dude in so many ways. Simple. Clear. Helpful. Sound. No surprises.
Oh well. I think my soul craves a certain kind of experience right now, and I am maybe not ready for brooms. And that is ok I think. As long as I’m paying attention and being real with myself. As long as if I choose to play with vacuum cleaners I stay aware enough to keep my deeper focus as my children, and my work.
Back to that mantra I gave myself for 2010- Balance and investment.
Mindful how I invest my time, balancing needs, wants, desires, and priorities.
I am finding my way to the kind of YES that Kate describes here. After listing all the projects and wonderful things she has on the go she said the amazing thing about it is:
“One: I’m never tired. And Two: I’m not trying to do any of this. It’s like energy gets created inside me, pressure builds, ideas start flowing like superhuman carbonation, action follows, and repeat, and repeat. There are times when the energy is so intense, all I can do is sit down and write and write and write.”
This is the place I want to live my life from, and I know how to do this. I’ve had extended glimpses of this various times in my life. It’s really about NOT doing. Not strategizing so much. I’ve been there before, and I’ll get there again.
I am getting there again.
I am getting into my own YES and into a place where the energy is so intense all I can do is be with my children presently, dance playfully, tumble gracefully, make love passionately, respond to my career deeply, love fiercely, exercise strongly, eat healthfully, write write write, and meditate soulfully.
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