Like this:

Do you ever have really strong connections to songs? I remember being a teenager, going through the break-up process with my first real boyfriend, Paul. (Alex, Bozena, are you smiling?) I decided I was going to join a gym and work out instead of drinking, smoking pot, and being sad.

I found myself again.

I remember walking there for the first time, listening to the radio on my walkman, and being totally inspired and ready to move forward. I was electric. I can’t explain it, but sometimes I ge electric and vibratory. It’s when I am at my most powerful that I feel that, and I love the feeling. So the song I remember in that moment, in my energetic, electric vibratory moving forwardness- was “All Uncovered” by the Watchmen. I’ve loved the song ever since.

By default, I ended up liking it. It was just on at the right time, in the right place, and at a critical moment for me.

Similarly, a few summers ago, I was freshly dipping my toes into non-monogamous dating and was absolutely loving The Philosopher and The Musician and couldn’t believe I got to have them both and still have the freedom to look for other people to date also. I felt amazed that this worked and was possible and was totally moved by the freedom and fun I was having. I was studying polyamory and alternative lifestyles with fervor, reading everything I could. Sometimes figuring out how to do this was not easy, but I was learning and getting better at communicating openly and honestly even when it wasn’t easy.

I also had just finished hosting an international conference with my colleagues that brought 23 of our activist colleagues and friends from around world to present to 400 people here in Toronto on alternative approaches to healing and recovery in the mental illness system. I was on top of the world. I felt driven and purposeful.

At that time, I remember this song coming on on random shuffle from some compilation torrent file I had downloaded.

(My audio player is broken, sorry, have to link to it instead): http://www.thesilentk.com/asong.mp3

I remember listening to the words and owning them in a way that was like the words to the song were the pic and I was the strings on the guitar. I was living this song. Creating it in my life. This part especially,

“Strengthen what you know, and tell yourself what you really need.”

I felt utterly happy, in control, free, and energetic and vibratory. Empowered, alive. All goodness to the extreme. I felt like I really knew who I was, what my purpose was, what I wanted, and what the keys to happiness were for me.

I listen to the song now to evoke that feeling. I only can listen to it when I am ready. Can’t do it when I am sad.

Admittedly, this crash course kind of experience of monogamy I’ve just gone through with Pete, and it’s subsequent demise, it’s been a trip. I don’t know what the hell either of us were thinking really. My recovering from the intensity of it has been tough and it hasn’t been fun getting through the days for the past week. I’ve been moody in a big way.

It just opens up so many questions I have about life, love, and what do I really want in a partner, what do I really want for my future, do I even really want a partner, etc. etc. And I started feeling hopeless in general about it all.

The break up got worse first, then better- much better. I like the way it ended now. We were both laughing and singing the others accolades, but still closing the door. It was nice. And I feel good now. He does too, and he has left the door open ajar, saying he wishes like crazy I’d come in more, that he thinks I’m a great person and he’d welcome me back whenever, if ever, I am ready with open arms. That feels good.

I like when doors are ajar.

So, I am listening to my song now. Strengthening what I know, and telling myself what I need.

Which is this:

* I need to reconnect with myself and my kids without the added complication of another person.
* Three people (George, Aidan and I) is plenty for me to try to heal and be in relationship with.
* I’ve had a really extreme life since my divorce, and I have discovered parts of myself (like my sexual awakening, my connection to buddhism and reconnection to yoga) but have also lost important parts of myself.
* I have many things I want to explore and do that don’t involve sex or dating. I also have amazing friends who I will spend more time with.
* One of the more important parts I’ve lost is the patient, loving, compassionate, and attentive, present mother that I used to be.
* What I need more than anything for myself and my family is to retreat inwards and focus on us.
* I will try learn to live within my own means instead of frantically working side jobs
* I need to take a break from meeting new men for at least a month or two.
* I won’t be ready for a monogamous relationship for a very very long time, and frankly, maybe I will never want that kind of traditional relationship structure again- and that is ok.
* I need to do a better job with the people I work for- people who are in recovery from what gets labelled as mental illness and their families- and I need to be a better mother.
* I need to get more focused in my life to be the person I need to be for my kids, and for my community.

And for my spirit.

It’s like Mother Thersa said,

“You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.”

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